Learning to live with 'Regrets'

I say I don't have them but they're there.

I like to think I've dealt with them properly but they're there.

I realize I could've done better that's why they're there.

Maybe they're there so as to keep me grounded

Maybe they're there to remind me of my humanity

Maybe they're there to refocus on Him

Maybe they're there because His Grace is ever more apparent in the midst of them.

Who knows these things?

As I enjoy another year of birth I reflect and am somber (I find myself getting more and more like this with each passing age) I look back on how I've lived and esp. how I've treated others who were in my life for a season. The funny thing about growth is you never know you're a butt-head till you grow up and realize you were a butt-head and for a perfectionist like myself that even hurts the more.

See us 'perfectionists' tend to be overly-critical and self-antagonizing on ourselves than others ever could/would. Basically in hip-hop speak you could never diss me more than I could diss me.

I've mourned for 'lost r/ships' longer than I ought to due to the fact that the entrance of new knowledge gives cause for regret upon looking at previous actions and behavior.

Its easy for ppl who don't know me on a very personal level to think I'm a 'holier-than-thou' person or an angel of light who knows no evil and doesn't know how to commit said evil. Esp. when I say things like, "I don't smoke nor drink" all of a sudden its like 'crap, I didn't mean to say that around you.' When the truth of the matter is I'm no better than they are. Telling ppl though like my beaux says means nothing. At the end of the day ppl take you at your word. Which is why words are important.

I'm not particularly proud of how I've treated the women I've loved both past and present. I've lied, been insincere, been inconsiderate and cheated. The last word really rings a reminding bell that nope you sir are <.................................> from perfect. Its not a history I'm excited or enthused about but its what I've done and in some ways made me the man I'm still becoming. For being a man is never a day's work.

The realization of these truths hit me so hard one time when I was re-evaluating how I treated my ex and how much of a jerk I was at the time (recall how growth helps you see the butt-headedness). What I found a bit saddening was that I didn't realize this sooner when we were in the r/ship in question. Not until I met someone else it hit me 'dang man, you were horrid.' You could say I wasn't a 'bad person.' But at the same time if someone you say you love doesn't get placed on the pedestal they deserve then all you're doing really is blabbing. You're no different from a blank CD on play mode.

I accepted the fact that it was hard to accept this at first b/cos I used to pride myself in being the 'victim' and/or being the one who'd never cheat or never do this or never do that. I wore it like a badge of honor and turned my nose up at dudes who did the slightest disrespect to their S.O's till I became one of them and suddenly I was mortal again. That invincibility was stripped from me and now I was on the 'other side' the REAL 'bad guy' the REAL 'jerk.'

They say knowledge is power and with great power comes great responsibility. It saddens me that I messed up on a great opportunity to build something long-lasting life long even with someone I did truly see myself ending up with. I can give all the excuses I want to but its the truth and I could care less being ridiculed for it. I tend to be a very private person (see: prev blogs) so its diff for me to vent like this but I guess its necessary. Maybe a few years down the road I'll look back on this and smile and see how much I've grown again.

Apologies accepted is great a freeing feeling too at that but when you wonder about what could've been esp as a perfectionist it doesn't always leave a sweet taste in your mouth. I am happy and thankful for the lady in my life as she has become proof that one can make mistakes and still have 'redemption' in the r/ship realm.

I can truly say for the past 20 some odd years I've learnt a lot about life, what it means to love, and be loved and the right way to love someone you claim to love. It is one thing to my ex I'm truly grateful I learnt. A real pity I couldn't be the man she had hoped. Its like you got with someone things were great then tanked and then you got with another and all of a sudden you became like the new butterfly out the cocooon. I don't know how it feels like to be her when talking to me, the new me but for whatever its worth I look back at the times we shared, times we laughed, times we kissed, times we held hands and looked into each others eyes and I'm truly grateful. The consolation prize for me is that at that time it was all about her and no one else even in the midst of my butt-headedness.

If I were to do it all over again I'd still meet her but more than likely w/o the drama/baggage I carried. Yet, I'm thankful for who I'm with today and I wouldn't have it any other way 'cos what I learnt from yesterday has made me the man I'm becoming today.

..and that's how I've been learning to live with 'regrets'

Keeping in touch

can be one of the hardest things for me (right now) to do.

Yes, there are absolutely no excuses.

In my time now we have the internet, phone, text messaging, facebook, myspace, and now the latest invention - twitter.

I even joined it too imagine that.

I don't blog too often I guess 'cos all of a sudden blogs became the latest and greatest thing to do esp for artists BUT.

my man Rizoh strongly recommended and has suggested time and time again that I blog. Well I think I should turn this into more music as well. Thing though is how many ppl frequent here? LOL well I guess as many as I'll let come in.

I am a private person so this blog to me is sort of like the line bordering b/w the personal and the public...

let's see how far the tunnel goes.

Trying to spread the word through visuals

So yes I'm trying to do a video for a couple of songs for the mixtape (which is done by the way, Thanks be unto God). However, I've faced one challenge after another, either not having enough to shell out for the vid or now having access to a cam-corder to do it low-budget, guerilla style and my video-guy not being available.

That's the challenge of being independent in the truest sense. Sure the creativity and freedom is excellent but being able to do what you want to do when you want to? Right now sometimes sucks. However, I'm learning to be patient knowing that sometimes things have to happen on God's Time - when they're supposed to happen and all things will work together for good for me since I love Him.,

It can get frustrating attimes though. Having to wait on others' schedules whenever you're ready to go, ppl not returning your calls like this guy I know who owned a recording studio at home where I recorded a couple of songs off the tape, needless to say it sucked having to feel like you were chasing someone down to give them money! Imagine that. This situation happened twice with two different guys for that matter, almost made me assume Houston studio engineers had issues...lol. But through it all God made a way for me. I've been doing most of my recording now at my potna's spot and its been wonderful to say the least. Dude has a good heart and we work very well together and outside the music are friends. So in hindsight I'm glad that happened.

Have you ever been in a situation where it seemed you wanted to get an idea out or a vision and it seemed like everything was fighting against it? How do you keep your self motivated?

Btw I ought to use this blog for my self-promotion a bit more don't you think? Question is though aside from the few that post on here who else is watching right? Plus this blog is my private outlet...let me know your thoughts ladies, gentlemen.

Blogger

is screwing up..

this is the third post..the other two vanished on some stupid error tip.

Long vacations are for constant husslaz

School? check

New mixtape? check

New visions? check

New goals? check

New Year? you already know...

its so hard to keep in touch these days the old-fashioned way isn't it? I can't tell you how I loathe sending messages through (insert your fave social networking site name) and pretending its really doing the job of "keeping-in-touch." Now I won't sit here and try to convince you my 2 ppl audience that writing letters on sheets of recycled (hopefully) paper is my preference these days but let's just say I'm still more of a traditional phone-call away person.

texting is still fairly impersonal. but somehow it works for some...somehow.

How do you deal with feeling slept-on? Do you think/believe that everyone has their time to shine? How do you cope with when ppl even in your camp seem passive towards what you do, but still "support" you but mainly 'cos they're fam and if it were the other way round prolly not show you any love whatsoever?

I'm back (for the time being y'all)

5 Reasons why sales numbers of Graduation may or may not defeat that of Curtis

PICTURE, courtesy of NAHRIGHT

By now you all know how the hip hop machine *cough..bigwigs @ Def Jam and Interscope*cough* have used both artists to milk suspecting fans, and create a pseudo anticipation for some kind of end-all, be-all good guy vs. bad guy for hip hop farce.

Needless to say it's worked slightly well thus far. However permit me to break down why I think Def Jam's current golden boy may win and or lose to Interscope's villain aka hip hop's mr. bad guy..

(PS: Sales as far as I'm concerned have nothing to do with music quality so just join in the fun of speculation for the heck of it, if nothing else for boredom's sake)

Reasons why Def Jam gets the W

1. Internet hype if anything to go by tells the casual observer G-G-G-G-can-not!

2. Kanye's image is finally taking shape into the hipster he has created himself to be...hipsters might be running this rap stuff.

3. Rappers may lie, magazines may be biased but numbers don't (c) me via Jay-Z...billboard charts Top 100 Pop songs have Kanye's "Stronger"@ #3, whilst Fif's "Ayo(Yuck)Technology" somewhere cradled in @ #21, not a good look considering you've made a boast (which you won't fulfill) that you'll retire if said aforementioned bol' beat you out on the market.

4. What the innanets are saying...more and more ppl like the beatmaker's album (as far as leaks and other goodies go).

5. People are just tired of the "bad guy." There's only so much "guns, I've got more money than you" talk we can take, right, right?


Now for the conspiracy theorization:

5 Reasons why Ye may take the L?

1. Stranger things in hip hop have happened, Jay & Nas reunited who woulda thunk it?

2. Internet hype =/= what the "Street-es" are saying..in real life anyway.

3. If the Villain is right, Def Jam may have to buy more rekkids... instant L.

4. The Villain is the more popular from a strict sales/music biz perspective, seeing amount of rekkids sold.

5. "Follow my Lead" = potential, "I get money" = potential club bangers...potential in the sense of after the fact push..however "I get money" is on its last legs...oh wait! The Follow my Lead video already leaked..

who am I kidding?

THEY CAN'T TELL HIM NOTHIN! HA, HAAAAAAAAAAA....YEAAH! (c) Snowman.

White European Women

are FUNNY.

The White European Woman imo is markedly different from the White American Woman..they tend to be slightly less cryptic, slightly less pretentious (see: fake smile American caucasoid women throw at you in elevators), A HECKUVA lot more honest about their opinions on a matter..I mean honest to a Tall TEE...its almost scary.

and only THEY get their jokes.

Admittedly, sometimes they will snob @ American women...but its subtle and when I notice it during lunches with co-workers and things I can't help but hoarsely laugh in my immigrant mind.