On: Moving on

Recall my Uncle from Naija in my previous entry? We had a chat/convo about the entire situation with you-know-who. Interestingly enough, he didn't ask what I thought he'd ask which is:

1. What happened?

2. How did it happen?

Rather he moreso told me what he felt/thought I should do at this point moving forward which is the time tested and true phrase: MOVE ON. It's funny because numerous folks in my life have at different points told me this. I remember a friend of mine was one of the first to say, that the first thing I needed to do (mind you this was at the time things had just happened), was not talk about it because the more you talk about it the more you stir up those painful feelings like scraping a pot with dried paste at the bottom, pouring water in it and re-making a soup of what if left to dry will eventually cake and can be easily scraped out.

At that time wounds were still relatively fresh such that I understood it but couldn't really carry it out or rather was too afraid to try. Later on one of my best friend's said the same, then another, and now my uncle follows suit on the list. The Scriptures say that, "in the mouth of two or three a thing shall be established." (2 Cor. 13:1, Matt 18:16). But I guess up till this point even after hearing the Holy Spirit tell me directly to do same, its safe to assume that He yet again (as I've observed He's been doing since this event took place) used my uncle to re-tell it to me.

A word in season is how one of my best friends describes these types of advice. They can come throughout an episode during different points but when they come you can sense they're usually on point and what you need to hear even when you truly don't want to.

I will confess that I've been afraid of not talking about it because I don't want to forget what she did to me. I don't want to forget those details. It's like I want to remember every tittle and jot, every i that was dotted, every t crossed so as to never forget the cruel things she told me, how she told me, when she told me. In typing this entry up I do realize that this can only mean to some large degree I haven't let go.

Its not enough to let go of the person but to also let go of the pain of hurt/wrong done to you. That typically is one of the steps of forgiveness after praying and releasing the person in your heart, the next is to forget the pain. A lot of ppl say, forgive and forget. Realistically you CANNOT forget the wrong done to you but you can forget the pain it caused and in that way be able to truly forgive the individual who caused you wrong and move on from that.

Uncle said that talking about the issue = dwelling on it = healing a lot slower = reopening the wounds constantly. Like I stated earlier, I can be honest and confess that I've been afraid that if I stopped talking about it I would forget the pain. I've held onto it like a badge of honor and courage (see all my posts, HA!). I've held onto it in the hopes that some day or at some point I can remind her with bitter venom or vengeance as the case may be. I realize that now that that I think/believe is where the LORD wants to touch me. I need to also let go of the pain and hurt her actions and words caused me.

Handing them over to Him because up to this point they've been no good and unhelpful in my healing process. Plus, like I've been told and know for a fact that for me to enter into the NEW things that God has in store for me, I must be open and prepared for the NEW things. If not God may have to hold on to them a bit longer until I'm ready and booy I have to be ready for those.

So with that said and in mind I now know what direction I must move in yet again concerning this. The final stage in the letting go process which is letting go of the pain, the hurt, the disgrace, the embarassment, the disdain, the disrespect, the cruelty and dislike/hatred in the words and actions of this girl towards me during this situation.

To no longer look at this like my uncle said as a BIG event but rather a tiny speck in the large ocean that is my life and my destiny. No need to worry about future conversations, comeback possibility scenarios, new boyfriend/new girlfriend scenarios etc etc. Just MOVE ON. Stop the pity-party meetings, phone conversations centered around what she did to me, what she's doing or whatever. Stop dwelling on her, on what happened, why it happened, how it happened.

TRUTH: You didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have done anything to change the outcome. These things happen. They happen to people all the time. Just because it happened to you doesn't mean there was something you did to cause it to happen. R/ships last when ppl choose to work things out and accept certain things about their S.O. When that doesn't happen, a break up will occur. She didn't want to do again, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. As a matter of fact anyone who has you, would be a lucky, blessed person, any family that welcomes you into their household as a potential and eventual son-in-law is indeed BLESSED. (Amen is what I said to this). These were my uncle's words....

Weird as it may be but on one of my homeys' blogs, I read a tupac excerpt where he stated though with a lot of cursing involved, if you can't figure out the why, the how just move on.

..and that is what I intend to do. For moving forward entails a forgetting of the past, a turning of one's back to what is behind and a looking forward in eagerness and earnestness to what is before you.

So goodbye to you past, goodbye to talking about her anymore except for when God does something major such that He reminds me (which I doubt He will at this point) of something pertaining the both of us. Goodbye to the contemplations of pain, anguish and hurt I experienced and hello to the new and exciting possibilities of love, life, vision, the fulfillment of God's Plan for my life and my Destiny ahead.

I know what I need to do and do it I shall.

Wow. I nod my head as I type this up. I've truthfully learnt a lot. I guess maybe the next entry who knows? May lend itself to the new things God is doing in my life. I'm excited about the future because I know who controls it all. You - MASTER LORD JESUS CHRIST. To You who can do superabundantly, far and above my highest desires, prayers, hopes, dreams and thoughts be glory throughout the Church, in my life forever in Jesus' Mighty Name, Amen.

Time keeps on ticking...

In recent times I've come to realize more and more things about this r/ship, the likely reasons it ended, the likely reasons I stayed in it for as long as I did, I took what I took, gave what I gave and held what I held. Obviously there are 3 sides, mine, hers and God's. I like to think I try to be on God's Side.

I realize the mistakes I made, the things I shouldn't have tolerated nor accepted even because of love. I realize and accept that I *chose* to be ignorant, or rather make excuses for obvious things I shouldn't have made. This of course doesn't absolve me from any blame I deserve and have accepted for faults, bad habits, mistakes I made, hurts I probably meted out. Yet and still I realize that when you love someone even if you choose to no longer be with them any more there is a RIGHT way to handle it and a WRONG way to handle it.

Fact: Breakups are BAD, period.

Fact: You can try to manage or mitigate said BAD effect in the most mature way possible such that ppl leave with some shred of dignity and respect for each other left.

No lie I lost respect for her. Dignity all that went out of the window the days she said the things she did. Its really difficult to look at the one you loved or that claimed they loved you tell you to your face they can't stand you or get upset when they look at you. Esp, when you want them back and are trying to work things out? Its THE most degrading, denigrating and humiliating thing ever. But on to the next one right?

I woke up this morning feeling great. Usually, I'd rant/talk to God about her or how she's made me feel but this morning I told God, I wouldn't talk about her rather I said she'll see me shine. She'll see me become whom God wants me to be. I'm not saying this in a vengeful way but I just said it because that's how I feel/felt.

My Uncle who just arrived from Naija told me that when ppl want to leave you don't beg them to stay. You have to let them do what they wanna because if you beg you'll only irritate them. My assumption and hunch is by trying to work things out to her till the very end which I did more than likely did just that. I accept that now, I've dealt with it and I really believe I'm in the process of moving on, my attitude, my stance on everything changes each day for the better.

I now realize what I had in my prev r/ship before this, the enormity of what I threw away over stupidity and childish foolishness on my part and the depravity I experienced, well maybe depravity is too harsh of a word but the disrespect and inconsistency I experienced in this one that just expired.

I know that no matter what happens between us moving forward I WILL BE TRIUMPHANT AND VICTORIOUS IN THE END. The Scriptures say in Romans 8:28 that ALL THINGS work together or God causes ALL THINGS to work together, are working together, fitting into His Plan. Right at the moment I see some of that but I'm sure as time progresses and revelations keep expanding my perspective I'll see clearly why God allowed this to happen and how it fueled my success as a child of God, how it pushed me into fulfilling my God-given Destiny.

On another note, it was refreshing to tell my boy's wife some truths and behind-the-scenes footage of what really went down when certain situations were brought to her attention per me and homegirl. I guess it cleared up a lot for her in that regard. My boys though are funny, they don't want to hear about her again. For them its like she's past tense, tell us something new. One only wants to hear about her whenever it has to do with something major or important that I have to be involved in. I wholeheartedly agree.

I'm even getting tired really of talking about her at this point. There honestly isn't anything to say/see there any longer. I laugh to myself these days mostly because I know for a fact that the future will surprise everyone, myself, her included or maybe may just re-confirm and re-establish what God has already shown. Either way I am more than a conqueror through Christ and have overcome all odds and challenges in Jesus' Mighty Name, Amen.

Just thought I'd give another update djukno?!

The Month of Watering

Its November. The year is closing out...I see 2010 already. I'm living in my 2010 already. A lot has happened this past year of 2009 and I know that the seeds of faith sown will bring forth much fruit in the coming years.

I felt really down today but I had to encourage myself in God, realizing and knowing that it'll all be better. I spoke to Momsi (my Mom) over the weekend and she reiterated that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes with and in the morning. I was encouraged by that also.

She sent me a text message early this morning stating that my life shall be watered like the palm tree (she even had a figure of a palm tree made up of a whole bunch of apostrophes, commas etc, pretty slick!). It really resonated with my spirit man and I decided that yes it is my month of watering..and like any good planter or farmer will tell you, after water comes growth (which usually is underground) and after growth comes the springing up which leads to fruition. I feel like I'm in my underground/watering phase right now, growing out from seed to cotyledon, spreading my roots deep down in God's Soil of love, aching to burst into the sunlight and burst I shall in Jesus' Mighty Name Amen.

I think she's come to accept what is as of now, the fact that this person has decided to walk out on me and isn't trying to come back. At least according to the claim they're making. I'm fine with that right now. I've come to accept it, understand it, rationalize it and with what I know now, its like good riddance to bad rubbish. Because there was A WHOLE LOT of rubbish I had to deal with for the past few years. Some of which when I think about, I wonder just how in the heck does someone date someone going through what I went through.

What you won't do, do for love.

I can't say how many times the love of Christ constrained me. Obviously, if one were to hear her side it could come off the same way. However, I've never claimed to be perfect much less flawless. I know my faults and I've partnered with God in working on my limitations. However there are just things you don't say to someone you claim to love or care for, there are just certain things you don't do.

I've realized that when God blesses you with something or someone and you don't appreciate them or take them for granted, chances are, you end up abusing that thing or in this case them. You get to ALWAYS pay for that later in some way, shape or form and it shole ain't pretty when its happening either.

I know this too shall pass as they say. A big part of me can't wait till its all over, said, done and I can finally cut ties off and ride off into my sunset. God I know is teaching me patience in this regard. It's hard though. It's hard to be still, to sit quietly and wait patiently for the salvation of the LORD. For one thing you don't know what that salvation looks like, how it'll come, when, what time etc etc. As an analytical person I often tend to fall into this rut of figuring things out and with this situation I believe God is pruning or rather teaching me how to let go of the handlebars sometimes so He can take the wheels and ride however He wants to.

I am however thankful for a lot of things. Things could've been a HECKUVA lot worse than they are at the present time. I am thankful for family and friends who've had to deal with my emotional rants, tirades and whatnot. I am thankful that I haven't lost my mind or focus but rather have gained a new sense of direction, purpose and vision. I have dreams that God has given me and I WILL SEE THEM COME TO PASS in JESUS' MIGHTY NAME AMEN.

Momma I got dreams and dreams gon' keep the lights on (c) Little Brother

"Delay" is NOT Denial

After having a conversation with my Prof. last week we both came to the conclusion (he did already and pretty much told me, to which I of course had to) that I wasn't ready to defend a thesis. I felt crushed to say the least. I really had hoped I could get out in Dec. I mean its been 3 years since I began this Master's program now it looks like it'll take longer. Mind you I took 6 years to complete my undergrad program but that's another story for another day.

I knew there was a possibility it might happen but I didn't want it to. I sensed God telling me it'd be best to get out in May as it is better to finish strong than weak. To which I argued and vehemently opposed because I didn't want to let the parents down. Breaking the news to them seems so far to have gone across well. They know I've been putting in work, going from my 8-5 to lab and home, even weekends as well but I'm glad I find some time in between to relax and kick it with friends and make new ones as well.

I am truly thankful. In other news I just want to use this entry to say Father, I am indeed thankful for EVERYTHING that you've done for me. For the money I received that I needed so desperately to get that done, done. You are NEVER late, you are ALWAYS on time and maaan do I see your Power at work in my life on a daily basis. I apologise for being ungrateful and not being THANK-FULL enough in this current temporary and fleeting situation because there is so much to be thankful for that if I concentrated on it like I should and I determine to starting now I'd be so consumed with your goodness I won't even pay attention to the nonsense this thing has caused. Even with everything going on with me and you-know-who, its so awesome how you've surrounded me with the right voices through friends, family, situations, events, videos, blogs, articles, cd's, messages of the right stuff I need to hear because I KNOW its the right stuff as its been confirmed SO MANY times. I don't know what will happen btw us but I do know I'll come out of this thing untouched, not a stain or scratch on me. I will come out of this victorious & triumphant. The victory will not just be in my bedroom but will be so apparent, so obvious that men (incl. women) will see it and be amazed at how far, how high you, Father have taken me.

I do admit I smart over how things transpired, how things are currently with how she's treated me up to this point with seeming disdain and disregard. I admit I've been angry over how she treated my family with disrespect and disregard, disdain and my friends as well but vengeance is yours, you will repay is what you said and promised. I won't focus on the vengeance aspect that's your deal, I have chosen and once again choose to focus all my energies and passion and desire on the AWESOME destiny you have laid out for me because my future is so bright even sunshades can't block out the rays.

Thanks for everything once again Lord. Help me to carry on this attitude of gratitude no matter what. Esp. in times when I feel down the most, help me not dwell on the past because like You yourself have said on many occasions it wasn't my fault rather her choice led us up to this point and as such I cannot be blamed for what has happened. In the end it will be even more apparent to those unaware of the truth, what truly happened and how it did happen and how the decisions she made brought us to this point. I do believe the decision she made was very unwise and she will eventually learn somehow. I do believe she won't get away with what she did but you will lovingly restore her to sanity, restore her to wisdom, restore her to growth in your own way and on your own timetable. Like You told me, it won't happen the way I or anyone in my camp will want it to happen but it will in such a way that we will all know that, "wow God took care of that and took care of her the way only He could've orchestrated."

So God I won't moan or gripe about her shege any longer. Shege will come to whom shege is destined for because you sow shege, you reap shege.

Thank you most especially for showing me and teaching me about what a good woman is and what she isn't. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity of a lifetime that most dream for in my previous exgf and the current. I apologise for how much of a dufus I was then and I'm glad I gave my all in this current past situation, and thank You for enabling me to do go "above and beyond" to fulfill all righteousness still reaching out and trying to make things work even when it didn't make sense to my fam and friends (me incl.) I trust that you will give me another great opportunity with someone else (the right person this time whomever it will or may be whether past, present or future) to do the right thing. I pray you repair whatever's left of my r/ship with the previous and that we can at least be cordial, friendly once more if she desires so. Its all I can ask for at this point. Thank you once again Father for listening to me each day ramble about this less and less, thank You it could've been a lot worse like my friend said and thank You it is the way it is for a season because it won't always be this way and when its not this way anymore help me to remember not to laugh at her but to laugh with her and pray for her.

Thank You for all these things and ALL you do in Jesus' Mighty Name Amen.

Its CRUNCH time!

Deadlines.

Dates.

Scheduling.

Time management.

Its my fault I let it get to this but I have no choice but to buckle down and take the bull by the horn. I must graduate this semester. I must get this certificate, I have no choice now. My graduation is upon me and boy was it FASSSST! Of course if I could go back in time I'd do it better and cleaner but like TD Jakes said, "it may not be pretty but just FINISH." And FINISH I shall in Jesus' Mighty Name Amen!

The Joy of the Lord is my strength - Meeting #5

Simply put as the title aptly says. It was almost "frightening" in a good way. I couldn't explain it, I was so bubbly on the inside so much so it was all smiles, all happiness for me. I saw the look of surprise in her eyes which she tried to mask by pretending she wasn't but I didn't care.

I waltzed to her front door taking what I needed to take (which prior to felt like pulling teeth but..), gave her a hug, asked her how she was doing she did same I joyfully told her the stuff she needed to know (only just that) and I felt good about myself and about everything. She coyly told me with a mischievious smile that she was going somewhere that night. To which in my mind I replied, "uuuhhh..okay I really don't care whether you might be going out, you might be going with some other guy for all I know/care but I wish him and you the best."

I gave her some politically-correct compliment gave her a pound and was on my way. Later on she sent me an interesting text message. I shrugged and replied and kept it at that. My mind almost went into its analytical overdrive but I had a feeling the text came as a result of my reaction and behavior towards her but who cares? That's not my problem.

It just is what it is and nothing more is what I've reminded myself time and time again. It's business never personal. I'm thankful to you Father for giving me your joy which truly is my strength. Thank You for helping me keep things btw me and her in their proper perspective and focus. Things will remain so as far as I'm concerned until You change things the way you want either for the better or for the better. It was very apparent today and I can't say I'm grateful enough.

Untitled

In so many ways, I look back often at what happened. Of course these days though its less and less. A month or two ago it was like 10-20 times a day she'd be weezing through my mind but nowadays its about 1, 2, 3 at most 4 times.

These days when I think about her I can only sigh and break out into laughter. I don't know if that makes me weird but it creeps the heck outta me attimes. I don't laugh because I wish her evil or anything but its bewilderment, shock I guess, and just an SMH-attitude because I *just* know what's coming, I know something is coming. I just don't know when its coming, or how its coming but I just know you don't do things without repercussions. But I won't focus on that.

Life's become much more interesting these days. She once told me, "are you meeting other ppl?" in such a recalcitrant albeit condescending manner as if to say, "dude I'm meeting ppl you should too." She need not worry about me though, and not to brag but *getting* women has never really been a problem for me since I was 18 and first learnt the power of flirtation.

The only thing though is quality >>> quantity. There are ENOUGH women to go round and then a lot more but how many ppl are quality on both sides? Men & women?

Its sometimes hard to believe, head-scratching at best that I fought hard and long to retain someone in my life who I can honestly say (and this not to sound braggadocious or come off better than her in any way, shape or form) wasn't worth the stress, time and effort. But you know what? I did it to fulfill ALL RIGHTEOUSNESS. Like Christ going for baptism, to ensure that no stone was left unturned, to ensure that history will not and could not be revised by her or by her fam. To ensure that for all of time it'll be known that I TRIED to fight for what we had even when I was cut down in half.

and that is where my vindication begins.